Goals and what not

I almost never make lists or goals that I know I'm to lazy to conquer. However, after reading 9's blog it may be a step in the right direction for me. I really don't like putting a lot of effort into things i don't care for, I want to be easy so I wont have to work so hard. sad I know but when you have worked hard doing everything else you kind of want to have a little easy button in your life. Derby wasn't so easy or fun at times. Your body is constantly sore, you are way to hard on yourself when you cant get anything right and it sucks. The thing that I had to keep telling myself was that it will get better, I was not doing all this work to NOT be a derby girl. I constantly longed for the day I could "Dixie Throw" a bitch. I LOVED hitting, just hated doing all other exercises that didn't involve them. yeah i know its dumb but that's how i have always been. Like off skates training, I sooooo DO NOT want to run are anything else for that matter. But if i just skated like I have been doing and haven't done anything else what good am I to my teammates? It took FOREVER for me to build the little endurance I had and that solely based on my lack of cardio and my unwillingness to do anything that didn't require 8 wheels. After seeing my wife Helley skate with BCR after 2 months I could hardly keep up with her. The power in her strides were a thing of beauty. I have never seen her look so good. She had been doing off skates practices with BCR and while I shunned the idea my wife was making herself better. Yes exercises suck in the beginning but it gets easier as the time progress. Off skates practice seems to be yet another way to be less stressed. No matter how shitty I feel before I go skating the minute I start its like loads have been lifted off my shoulders. I'm pretty sure off skates practice does the same for those who attend.

I'm pretty much watching myself grow into one of the tweedles from Alice in Wonderland. I know what I have to do to take care of the problem. Its the get up and go that is my problem. What is soooo hard about going for a walk or working out to make myself better? Helley once wrote a blog about making herself better but for who? She decided to focus more on herself making herself better for herself, for once she was being selfish and made herself a better athlete. Her transformation during her off season with BCR was something that I actually look forward to. I cant wait for the day that I can be like her and the rest of BCR. They are like Titans on the track. Literally all shapes and sizes and are not to be underestimated. Amyn may be tiny but she will knock the biggest chick on her ass if she gets in the way.

but anywho it is time to set some goals of my own, im not gonna make some long list i know i cant achieve. I will however make realistic goals for myself to put in the right direction of becoming a better skater for myself first and then my team. Yes it will be a struggle the end result is all I realy care about, being on the track with great respectable players. so without here goes:

Goals for Vix
1. even when i ssssoooo dont feel like it, do my physical thereapy.....theres a reason the doc gave it to me

2. even though I hate the gym, going to my cousin's free gym and getting on the cycle will only help in the long run.

3. cut back on the junk food, everytime I think about fast food take that money and put in the derby/gas fund......you'd be suprised on how much you save

4. edurance, cario, plyo, whatever lol learn it, live it, love it! it makes for a better skater

5. self motivate!!!!!! no one can stop me but me


                                                                        Voluptuously yours,
                                                                              Vix♥

All the Motivation I Needed.

While my Derby persona may be dying on black and white doesn't mean that I am. Voluptuous Vixen is here and she will grace the track with her sexy and dangerous curves again sometime soon. I have been looking at this the wrong way, I'm being way too negative about this. While I'm being all pissy and pouty the fact of the matter is that I WILL be back. its not like I'm out because of an injury I'm on a forced hiatus. its not like I cant skate and self motivate myself. My first derby wife Midnight is going through the same thing, we are both forced to take a break but we will be back just not now. I need to take this time to work on the things that I can fix instead of just jumping into it. my old coach Ember kind of rushed us into getting ready for our season and most of us still weren't ready when it started. as much as she talked shit about BCR she could have a taken a few notes on how to run a team. not only was on skates training import but off skates as well. yes the bitch gave us a workout log but nothing that was super beneficial to our endurance. in these past months i have watched my other derby wife become pretty bad ass. shes stronger and faster. her endurance is WAY better than when she left Belles. But the thing is this she made herself get this way because of her determination. I am not the best self motivator, i like having someone with me cuz it sucks doing things alone. i was always a lazy broad. but when derby came along it gave me something to look forward to and be good at. and I personally think its time to take away my excuses. I think I should be using this time to work my back muscles up to where they need to be. Helley did it without me she was hell bent on getting better and did what it took to be a better skater. I have never been more proud of my wife and i KNOW she is gonna get better with time and BCR's training. they have help mold her into a bigger beast than what i left her with. I may not be skating with a team but I will do my part and work on the things I can fixed that way when I can join BCR I wont feel like a total fat ass. I always seem to slack on shit and for once I want to go to practice and not have to sit down because I'm winded and hurting because of my fucking back. SOOOOOO its officially time to quit the bitchin and try and do something about it....just saying. Im bitching about not being motivated when all the motivation i NEED has been right in my face all along......HELLEY!!!! just last year around this time I was recovering from a breast reduction and hoping I could be one of those hard hitting girls.....NEWSFLASH BITCHES!!!! I am a hard hitting mother fucker!!! lol and I will be better than I was before. til then ppl this voodoo vixen will be brewing a lil something for ya'll
                
                                                                    Voluptuously yours,
                                                                             Vix♥

Suckerpunched!

So i get a message in my fb inbox saying that my derby name and number will be deleted from two evils........my heart literally dropped. I already knew that my former team BnB was broken up, dissolved, or whatever word you want to use. However, the fact that the derby name that I had chosen and the persona that I took on will be no more on April 18, 2011. Derby has been a MAJOR part of my life this past year. It was my love, my life, and without it being a constant thing to turn to has kinda broke me. When BnB broke up I thought that I would automatically join the new Montgomery team but things in my POV just didnt feel right. If home is where the heart is then that wasnt the place for me. There was something that I couldnt quite put my finger on that didnt feel like home. I figured that since it was leftover BnB girls that started the new team it would be ok, but something just wasnt right about being there. So I figured I'd try going to BCR's practice to see how I would like it. I've been to BCR practices before and each time was a pleasent experience. Everytime I left I felt like I was learning and building a relationship with a team I had learned and looked up too. When I went to practice with my derby wife Helley and my little sis Malice, it was one of the best experiences I had doing derby. From the time I walked in to the time I left it was a beautiful experience. The encouragement, the drills, and the teammates were awesome!! I knew then that that is where I belonged. but there were things that were gone hender me from going.

It was mostly money and religion. lol yeah I know its pretty lame but its me. I have bible study 3 times a week, Sunday Wednesday and Friday. Horribly enough it was on times that would effect practices. the drive to and from auburn was never a problem because I often went to auburn on Tuesdays and Thursdays to go skate cuz Montgomery's rink was closed. So I would wonder and see how to make this derby relationship continue with the few road blocks, I hardly ever missed bible study with BnB. But when I started going to BCR practices my mother would damn me to hell for missing the ones I missed. So while being lectured about bible study absence my father's health had gotten worse which meant that I had to help out more financially, which meant little to no skating at all. I went from skating 8 plus hours a week to only 2 hours a week. My derby career ws over before I knew it. I had only been in two bouts. From trouble with being the late bloomer of the bunch and have a breast reduction has put me back a bit. so with 2 bouts and 1 scrimmage against TCR's Plan B. I thought I was on my way, with just a tad bit of training I would be ready to go.....then the break up happened. I have not been happy since. Derby had given me something to look forward to. a chance to escape bills that were constantly knocking at my door. I did whatever it took to play derby. it was mod def hard to pay dues sometimes, but I wanted it that bad where I didnt care if my cell phone was cut off as long as I could play or practice. I wanted to make it work, thats the kind of love and passion I had for this sport.

which brings me to this point right here. Its not that I dont want to join BCR, its the fact that I financially can not do it right now. I feel like the biggest failure. For something that I have worked so hard for to have to be pushed to side KILLS ME!!! it literally brings me to tears thinking about how I cant do what I love. As much as I try to convey how much I want this, words can only do so much. and because I cant act on it right I just dont say anymore. those who KNOW me KNOW that this was my life for a year and i miss it sooooo much. I know it may be wrong to claim a team that is not offically mine and hopefully BCR is not offended by it. but it is where my heart is. every teammate that i have talked to I admire in many ways. Saint for endless encouragement, Cho for her being so understanding and letting me butt in on practice, Amyn for letting me know how booty blocking is supossed to be done, 9 for being a bosom buddy and never giving up the fight, Ziggy for always listening to vent and helping me out with the bs i'd endured on BnB, Bezzy for helping me realize that i have to crawl before i can walk watching you from the ver ybeginning and seeing u now you are an awesome skater!!!! i love seeing u go SLIM!!!! you my love you are something else and i love skating with u. Last but not least my wife Helley, you are my motivation to get back at this watching u grow these past months have been AMAZING and cant believe this is the girl I met and skated beside almost a year ago. All the BCR girls have left a great impression on me and I love you all and will hopefully skate with yall in the near future.

I am so desparate to be on the same track with ladies, but I feel Im not worthy of that just yet. BCR has only seen me on one bout and dont really NEED me on their team but i so badly want to be there. I honestly thought i would be there by now thinking income tax was gonna solve the problem but a series of unfortunate events has prevented me from doing so. If I cant skate with my team I will be supporting them on every bout I can make. these girls are great competitors and I am lucky to be around such awesome skaters. My big bro Griff once told me that "to be great you have to surround yourself with quailty" and thats what I plan on doing with BCR. I may not be skating with them as of now but cant hardly wait til the day I can. even if its to sub I will defend my team to the fullest.

side note sorry for the ramblings im just heartbroken frustrated and need an outlet

Something of my own

I feel like I have been a little vague on details so here's a quickie. I was born and raised in New Orleans and was kicked out by Hurricane Katrina and relocated to Montgomery, AL....THE END well sort of. My life has been pretty boring up until the hurricane. I had friends, I did well in school and I stayed out of trouble.....well I HAD to or else my parents would and i quote "tear my ass up" no matter how grown I was. The most darling thing I did under 21 was sneak out the house with my boyfriend and get a tattoo......very original. After moving to Montgomery I was always "the funny girl from New Orleans." One never knows how they would react when something tragic affects there lives. Yes I was depressed but I also didn't want to be constantly reminded that I lost everything I had due to some ignorant assholes who bombed the levee. I just literally wanted some normality back in my life. So I got a job.....then got laid off which was the most devastating thing you can do to someone who has nothing. From homeless to jobless I went on a search for a job.....150 applications and no job later I decided to enroll in school until I found a job. I could FINALLY meet people and get back to happy, or so I thought.

Going to the University that shall remain nameless, was nothing but a joke. It reminded me of high school. It was a popularity contest/ fashion show and because I didn't have "the look" I didn't mesh well with the kids. I was a 22 year old freshmen trying to get my degree and GET THE FUCK OUT!!! The school bit lasted until my dad took ill. At this point I was a sophomore and my father's health took a turn for the worst and I had to up more funds to help out. I dropped out of college to find a second job, with that second came a little cash and a lot of fat. i had nothing for me. I was making money only to be giving it to the parental units to help them keep their house and dads meds acomin'. Since the stores in Montgomery are for those who only eat crackers n drink diets sodas, I went to food for my relief. That was the only thing I could afford and the only thing that made me happy for the moment. I never was truly happy. Frustrated with lack of money and man candy I decided to TRY and do something about it....go on a 1200 calorie diet. It was ok for a while but never got the results I wanted. Sooooo 1 year, dream job, and 20lbs of fat later I thought I was happy. I had the job I always wanted with the benefits to match. I just KNEW a breast reduction was in the near future. However I just had this emptiness that food COULD not fill.

With all that I had gone through the last few years I have always wanted something to call my own, something that would help me relieve myself of stress. While working at the fabric store, a regular customer of mine told me about Ole School Skate night at the local skating rink. I for one was never coordinated enough to do such a thing. The last time I went skating was on a pair of roller blades when I was fifteen years old, so putting on quads was going to be a task. After weeks of asking me to come to the skate night I finally went. I have never had so much fun in my life, but I fell more than I skated but that was something that I most definitely wanted to try again. some months later October 21, 2009 I went to my first Roller Derby practice and haven't turned back since. Derby has given me confidence, friends, and the body I have wanted for quite sometime.

In the beginning it was mos def a struggle being the fattest girl on the team. I was last for EVERYTHING and I did a lot of self loathing for a while. For the first time in my life I had some thing that I felt my body was made for. and I looked forward to continuing my journey to becoming a derby girl. I was convinced that THIS is what was missing in my life. I'm an aggressive and playful person and derby was perfect for me. Before going to my first practice my doctor had informed me that I was borderline diabetic and obese and I needed to do something to change it and change it fast. So with my skates in hand and my father as my motivation I went to practice and gave it my all. I knew I had a ways to go. I was fat, lazy, and had boobs that would fill the Grand Canyon. However my captain at the time told me that this sport NEEDED bigger girls. "The more meat the better" But what good is it being big if I get winded on the third lap? I finally felt that I fit in somewhere. I am very protective of people I care about, and these girls were going to be my teammates and family. I was their protector. Skating was my passion, and with all the pent up aggression I had I now had some way to release it. Derby was the way, and my body needed to be molded into wrecking ball I'd hoped to be.

My father the fighter.

Dear god I don't know what I was thinking when I started this. I've read my derby wife Helley's blog and wondered if it helped her reflect on certain things as a skater. I'm often shy about putting myself out there because I really don't want to seem whiny or annoying. I hate being judged and was very hesitant in starting this so here goes nothing.

About a year or so ago I was at my all time low, I was 270lbs, lonely, and a couch potato. None of which I thought I would be at 26. In my mind a "normal" 26 yr old would be out of their parent’s house, having fun and living a care free life......my life is that of a single parent. Things for me had always kind of been that way. Since I turned 18 I started putting myself last in an effort to help my mom take care of the household financially. While going to school full time and working 34+ hours a week I was stretched to my max. Quite honestly not much has changed. I’m still living with my parents, and still helping financially. The only MAJOR difference is that my dad's health is substantially worse than it was five years ago after Hurricane Katrina. My dad for the most part has always been ill. However, it was never to this extent where he is at this particular moment. A little bit of my dad's past has to do with why he is the way he is, the other part is genetic. Nonetheless, I have watched my dad be the BEST provider, husband, father, and friend, I know him to be. My father is also a fighter, one trait among many that I will forever be thankful for. Because I was the eldest it was my duty to step up when he had taken ill and have not stepped down from that duty for the love of my parents. Yes I'm often tired of carrying the burden but it is my pleasure to repay my parents the best way I know how. This ordeal has helped make me a stronger person. Watching my dad overcome some of his struggles would soon help me over come a few of my own.