its the little improvements that make all the difference!

It has been a while since I've written here! but im back!! soooo let see what happened. Since the time that I have been away I have made MAJOR improvements in my derby career. Ive lost 16lbs, my lap time has gone down, and my enduarance is WAY better!!!! I think I just had reached my point of being comfortable with the "plateau phase". I wanted to be better. Better blocker, better teammate, just an overall better athlete. Words that I never thought I would hear myself say. While I loved derby I figured being my size was ok for the sport...which it is but if ur an unhealty weight playing derby its a receipe for disaster. At 275 I was so comfortable with "just making it" that I didnt care whether i was getting better or not. I just really wanted to play, however if i wasnt doing what it took to improve I will forever be in one line up. Here I was 9 months in and STILL taking breaks because my back was STILL giving me problems. I was pushing 280!!!! there was a reason i couldnt finish my drills, and a reason i couldnt fit my size 18 jeans......AND IT WASNT MUSCLE!!!!! with my growing weight i'd convinced myself that it was muscle and not fat, that this is 275 was fab and not flab. As I was cutting a slice of strawberry shortcake I had the worst pain in my back. once again i blamed other things for my pain instead of the source itself which was me. Yes I'd gone to the doctor and yes i had my diagnosis but the only way to try and get better was to in fact lose weight. for the first time in my life i didnt want to! i want to be big so the girls could fear me on the track.

 I gave up all my "happy foods" to make the change. This meant no Burger King, Hardee's Waffle House, and the Coke I so desparately needed a swig of when dealing with a rough day. I cut my habits cold turkey becuz for me its all or nothing.....there is no in between. This also meant that i couldnt eat after 7:30..........NOT THE EASIET THING TO DO! I had to train my body of what I needed to eat instead of what I wanted to eat. the first week was hard! I watched my mom n sis indulge in a nice plate of HOT Zaxby's........PISSED becuz the food smelled SSSOOOO good, i treated myself to 6 ginger snaps. I know ginger snaps doesnt sound like a decent snack but it was sufficient to my needs that night. As they continued with their fast food habits i continued to eat food that was good from "the neck down" which is whats healthy for my body and not what I wanted to eat. eating the proper portions and drinking 66 ounces of water a day i felt the change in my body and my body thanked me for it. I increased my off-skates workouts and stayed focused. One day at practice Quakes told me that she saw improvement and it made me happy to know someone saw change. I was quicker on my feet, my breaks from drills were reduced becuz I wasnt carrying much belly weight. Quakes told us to set goals for ourselves at each practice and thats what I did. I successfully fulfilled my personal goals each day and each practice.

As time progressed I finally got the one goal that made me the most happiest girl that day, keeping Trick Pony behind me. Not only did I hold a WFTDA skater behind me but i was able to catch up n hit here when I needed! Trick told me that I was getting quicker and better, She confirmed that big girls can really do it all! I'm now 257. I still have weight to lose but if im quicker at this size just imagine what I will be like 20lbs lighter. I will always be a BIG girl, its in my gentic make up. But I'll own my biggest in a healthier way. I think the scariest thing on the track is a big and fast jammer. Its a bitch alone to get someone skinny and fast, when u DO catch them u can knock them down. but if ur big, sturdy, and fast....its a freakishly amazing thing to think about. That said I'm on my way to be a decent jammer....wish me luck!!!!

Decisions, decisions

So i have been feeling kinda meh lately. It seems as though its one thing after another and things just are not looking up. Of course the downfall is money. I lost my dad first now im about to lose my damn house. Its annoyng and stressful and the one thing that relieved me from stress was derby. I cant afford to do anything right now. And its pretty much killing me.
The only bright side to all of this is that my derby family has been there throughout everything. I love them n find hard to be away from them for long periods of time. Derby withdrawl isca bitch! Skating is fun bit skating with ur family is the best feeling in the world. So when being forced to make decision of whether to postpone my derby duties is a hard one. With being faced with the possibility of losing my house and being damn near homeless again u would think i would do it in a heart beat....but its a tough decision to make. I am hanging on to my BCR ladies as hard as i can KNOWING i can not afford this right now. Both my mother and myself sold my dads instrument to pay the mortgage and it has been one depressing heartbreaking thing after another but i know he would have done the same knowing the situtation that we are in. He has done so before.
I know how much my dads music and sports meant to him. We are very passoinate about pretty much the same thing. So just like him im struggling with giving up the only thing i have for myself. I dont plan on giving this up. Im not going out without a fight.. i love my team!!!!! I have a great group of girls the other teams would envy. Its unreal the bond that jas been formed n love that i feel for each girl. I can only hope things will get better soon

Dear god will it ever get better

I seriously am going to lose if things dont look up. I have been away from derby for what seems like an eternity when its only been a few weeks. Ever since my dad died it has been a non stop drama filled few months. My mom can not catch a break. She lost her husband and her best friend in the matter of months......im all she has left as far as a "friend" goes. Every morning, every lunch break, and every night i come home i see her eager eyes zoned in on me dying to talk. I love her to death and i do feel her pain but another one of the "if me n robin dont get a job we may have to move back to new orleans" talk i just may rip my ears off. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. While i love my hometown i cant go back there. Im pretty sure im gonna get stuck with some job i will dread. And derby will be an adjustment.
Speaking of adjustments. Im pretty sure while everyone in some way shape or form likes there job there are some things that drive us crazy abouth them. Everyone vents about there job at some point. I made the mistake of vent on facebook with a stat that has pretty much got me in deep shit although no names were mentioned. Let me back up a bit. Long story short My boss claimed i didnt tell her about an appointment that i had. FACT is i told her about my appointment a week ago, i told her that i had an appt scheduled on a wed at 10am she asked what for and i told her....while the dicussion was taking place my coworker Sabrina was there listening to the whole thing. So while im at my appt i get a phone call from my Super asking where i was......it was 11:10 and the time i usually go to work is 10. She was clearly upset about me not being at work(it was her break/shopping time). I told her that i told her about the appt last week and the day before the appt.....she claims i never told her she said she didnt remember. So i got to work we got into an argument and i put "(insert rude comment her" on facecook and deleted not even 2 minutes after. Some how it got back to her. The argument in the office was bad enough cuz the new orleans girl came out of me and i frustrated and annoyed that she was denying shit that was soooo true.
Not only do i have home to think about i now have to think about work and what drama awaits when i get there. I have tried to keep peace in such a small environment but i was pushed to my limit with bullshit. With grieving the loss of my dad and this other shit i came unglued. I do regret the the phrase put up but i dont understand why she was all offended by me deleting her n the rest of my coworkers of my fb page. Its MY page and she can stay off of it. Then she had the audacity to tell my other coworker....her partner in crime about it and now im gonna have lovely glorious days at work.
You know its funny, i havent seen her at her desk in a long time.....shes always gone and shopping. Which means that shes getting all my info together and is gonna submit shit so this should be interesting.....
My life is a fucking mess im almost about to give up on this shit.

post bout glow!!! 10/25/11

The last post was in August n a lot has happened since then. I had become a full time Burn City Roller!!!! going to practice trying not to sit out on drills n even doing plyo.....yeah my lazy ass doing plyo. anywho i had the oppurtunity to sub for torpedo bay in mobile and it was......interesting? in practice i would scrimmage when I can if i wasnt worn the fuck out lol this was way different it was an actual game. i BOMBED the first half, i hardly go a hit in it was my worst performance EVER.  So with that fire in me of being pissed i finally started playing. My nerves were gone n i was ready. Yes we lost against MRV but it was gaining experience for future games.
Now for my first BCR game yes i was nervous but still excited amyn n the steering commitee allowed me to play. I was thankful even if they put me in for 3 plays. I wasnt where i needed to be but i survived it. I had a blast n it felt good to be playing with ppl that i knew n loved. A team that i have been practicing with for quite sometime. It was easy. I couldnt have asked for a better experience. Yes i still have much to learn but the high from that game was gonna last me for quite a while.
BCR makes me want to be a better player. We pretty much love this sport with every fiber in our being. I could not ask for a better team. I can not wait to see my ladies again. They are my family, my sisters. With the loss of a loved one i have gained a great group of women that truly care about me and i in turn care for them.

the rebirth of vix

A lot has transpired since the last post. I was finally getting off my butt and going to practice and then my dad passed away. I'd be lying if I said I didnt see it coming but it happened and I was out of comission for about a week and some days. I did all I could do to help him but i always felt selfish going to practice. Anywho, my father is gone and all i have left is my mom n sis and my team mates. My team has been super understanding throughout this whole process. Their love is endless and encouragement is awesome. i'm so glad that I made the decision to join BCR, they are my extended family. While I feel like some are more connectd than others I will fit in with this LOVELY group of women.
Since getting back into the swing of things, my back has been a constant problem as it was on BnB. yes i know it will take time to rebuild it but im ready now dammit. While i hate my back sometimes i do realize that i have to participate in these drills to make myself better no matter how severe the pain may be, i have to push through it. through one if the drills last night at practice, my back was so bad i seriously wanted to give up. however in order to be great i must do the drills to the best of my ability and give it my all. while its never easy i always feel good that i at least finished a drill without dying. yesterday was the first time in a while that i felt the urge to vomit my brains out. my body isnt used to me pushing myself that hard. I usually think ppl are BSing me when they say im doing good, that they can see the improvement. i only saw minor improvements which is good. for me to actually do a jammer drill KNOWING how much i hate it, was pretty awesome i only sat down to catch my breathe after doing it repeatedly for more than five minutes. that shit felt like it lasted forever n my lungs were dying and the vomit lump was rising but i know i need that excercise. it made realize how much work jammers put in and also that i can jam if i train hard enough. i never wanted to jam cuz i didnt want to work that hard. but with being "a tank" or "a brickhouse" as Amyn n Quakes said what could it really hurt? I think i may do it as a "relief jammer" at first just to get my feet wet. im not all that fast but i may can hold back the other teams jammer.
another thing that i was looking at is how i stop myself from progressing. its pretty annoying. the only thing stopping me from exceling is me. i beat myself up often. I feel as though I should be better than what I am. I wish I could just build my endurance in under two weeks. and what really grinds my gears is that i stress out so much about about my back during a drill that I actually think i make it worse by focusing on how much it hurts. i try not to think on it but i cant help how bad it hurts. last night during the first drill i was thinking about how im gonna die doing the drill n the pain in my back at the time so i pulled out. My shins n back were BURNING!!!!!! i felt like i was on fire. so after i stretched it out i got back out there. every time blicker called my name to sprint in front of the pack i damn near died. i just didnt want to look like a dumbass. what Trick was requesting wasnt even that hard of a drill i just couldnt do it for some reason. but i gave up a few times cuz i felt stupid. i get so sick n tired of "failing myself" its annoying. so after my inner bitchfit and beating myself up i really wanted to sit out of my favorite type of drill.....anything to do with blocking. my wife n 9 pretty much told me to get my ass out there n i didnt regret it. i learn stuff about myself skating with different ppl. kitty told me to "control myself" meaning that im sloppy i guess. but i take whatever ppl say and use it as constructive critisim. Trick said when I fall its like a helicoptor lmao that shit is pretty funny cuz i can only imagine how my thick ass looks lol so im working on falling small.
There are things that I need to fine tune n i cant wait for the day I actually get ready to bout with my team. I want to be good enough to help out my team mates and make them proud!! they are after all my family and i love each and everyone of them!

finding the right time

It was never a question of if I was coming back to derby, but when? I havent been on a team in about 7 months.  These last few months have been the most stressful for me beause of my dads illness. It has caused both of my parents to be totally relient on me. I have been somewhat losing my mind, due to the fact that they have become more a part of my life. Im like a single mother. so am i wrong at this time to start back derby even though i KNOW i cant afford it? The only major difference is the I'll be traveling to Auburn to do so. Which isnt that bad considering the fact that I have done it before on more than one occasion. I just hope my mother understands that i seriously need this to keep my sanity. I also hope that BCR will see the hard work that i am going to put it. I am sooooo nervous to go but I know as long as they see me trying, they wont give me looks that kill.

Right as I decide that im going to practice my radiator goes up in somke. It was a Sunday afternoon and i was on my way to Looneys with the sib to skate and when i turned the car off my car was in a cloud. At that moment all i could do was cry thinking that yet AGAIN i will be set back. I think it bothered me most was my derby idol being a little annoyed with me. I had told her a week before that i was coming to practice and i had every intention to. however when your car is up in smoke and the mechanic tells you it'll be $530 plus to fix.......what could i really do? so i sucked it up and pushed derby back yet again.

after almost a week or two of no skating i pretty much had a nervous brake down. i kinda bitched to helley about how much not skating got to me. SO after Saintly's n Beezy's words, Helley's love I FINALLY got my butt out there when I could. and i didnt feel so shitty about it either. I skated through drills the best i could it was hard after months of no training. All that mattered was that I was there giving it my all.

Random thought about the women in derby

There is something instilled in women that makes them have a love like no other. Quite frankly I feel like a man's love is feeble and somewhat worthless. Men will love you until you slip up and make even the smallest mistake. Women however are forgiving, patient, and have the strongest love possible. I mentioned this because being in a sport where you practically beat the shit out of your opponent you have to be forgiving at some point because its just a game. Something also struck me was the sisterhood that is formed between women. In this crazy world, women are very tight knit butt loads of compassion.
For instance, with all the bs that goes on behind the curtain of a team, they ultimately pull their shit together before a bout and stick together as a unit, a family. One of the things I LOVED and BnB was the sisterhood and camaraderie we all had. We were after all, women from TOTALLY different backgrounds but we all came together for the love of this sport. We had disagreements that would make you want to punch someone in the face, but come game time NO ONE and I do mean NO ONE was gonna fuck over my teammates. If you weren't a member of my unit, your were pretty much on my shit list. i remember one of the girls from our first and only home bouts was gunning for my derby wife that was a jammer for that jam. Knowing my wife's hate for jamming and how it wore he out I did the only thing that came to my mind when I saw someone coming for her.....blocked the shit out of her. After getting served a little ass beating from PRRD we went to the after party and it was a bit disturbing to see all three teams divided. Being the over bubbly person that I am and knowing my fellow teammates weren't to after party happy I took it upon myself to mix and mingle. Talking to those girls even for a moment was a good chance to bond. It's a chance to get to know your opponet To know that their home is open to me when I want to travel is pretty sweet.
Also when your in desperate need to talk to someone there is someone ALWAYS there. Like my dear friend Juggs. She was around for my darkest times and I will be forever grateful for her. She is someone who will be in my life while.
Anywho, the derby sisterhood is pretty awesome. There's no initiation process or hazing process. I think the fact that we do this sport is enough lol  there are some hits that will rattle you and bring you to your knees. But every woman in derby is mostly about uplifting and encouraging her teammates. The fact that we all came through the cut makes us appreciate and respect everyone in this brutal sport.