The first relationship I had was in high school with the love of my life Charles. He wasn't the most appealing guy but he was mine. To me in the beginning he was sweet, caring, and talented. I didn't know what it was but I was attracted to him from the first day I met him. I found him special, there were other boys at the time that looked at me, but because I'm weird I wanted him. He was in the school marching band and I think that that had been a reason why I wanted him. I wanted to be popular. I wanted to be well liked by my friends and other ppl. I wanted to be the girl in the movies that everybody wanted. Getting to know him was most definitely a pleasure. He was patient, thoughtful and did whatever it took to make me happy. During my high school career I was with him....even up until college I spent every moment I could with him. I gave this dude everything to make him happy i thought that we were gonna be together forever. As with all relationships came hard work. I'm the type of person that puts my all into anything I'm dedicated to. At that moment he was my life, my love, and my all. Yes I know its all sappy n shit but that's how it was for me. Words don't do it justice the way I loved him. I got the butterflies at the thought of him, the stupid grin that would never come off my face whenever he was around I never had to worry about feeling beautiful around him, being with him was effortless. Even with the fights that we had we always managed to pick up right where we left off, to me it was perfect.
As always with the good came the bad. In the beginning I was blinded by the small signs of the fading relationship. There were days where I just didn't want to try and make it work with him. There were days where the sight of him made me sick, yet I couldn't break away from him because I loved him more than life itself. there were days he made me so happy and I forgot what my life was like without him. The day we broke up was one of the most devastating days of my life. I thought I would die without him near. For the past fours (my high school years) I've spent everyday with him and to suddenly be without was death. We tried to get back together but it was never the same. He was a constant disappointment. Every time I reached or tried to get closer to him he pretty much stabbed me in the stomach. Deep down I KNEW it wasn't gonna work, but because I loved him I was willing to try. After about another four years after the breakup I finally gave up. We are still friends to this day. I don't talk to him as often as I used to but its nice to hear from him considering he was a huge part of my life.
The second relationship I have ever been in was roller derby. Yes I know it sounds weird but the sport was my love n passion....still is. Like Charles, derby was my everything. Since 2005 it has been a series of unfortunate events for me. From the hurricane to more personal issues I felt like I couldn't catch a break. Roller Derby was literally peace after the storm. It was love at first sight, but I knew the road to becoming a derby girl would be a rough one. Like my previous relationship, I gave my all to this sport. It was kind of sickening to constantly talk and post about it. I loved derby and loved how it made me feel. Skating is my passion, I was never really that great at it so my chance to be great at this new hobby was good for me. Its always fun to start something new but to stick with it, with all the shit that was going to happen in the future would be the the kicker. So with my cheap skates in hand and a positive attitude I was on my way to become a derby girl. With becoming a derby girl or athlete I had to give up more than I bargained for. I honestly didn't expect for derby to take up most of my life, I didn't expect for to me this dedicated to it. It was great in the beginning because I had a goal to meet. I know i had to work twice as hard to be like the smaller girls. My BnB experience was a blissful one in the beginning. Everyone was so friendly and loving and it was pretty much a family. We all spent a great deal of time with each other cuz we loved the sport that much. We all had butterflies, we all had the desire to be better skaters, and better players. the feeling that we all got from the smelly pads and lacing up our skates was an unforgettable and awesome experience. but the relationship with Ember and other teammates was a sour one. Throughout the year of being with BnB we had some pretty nasty fall outs like all relationships we manage to kiss and make up even when we really didn't want to cuz we were a family and a team and we all had to work together to try and be successful. During my BnB reign I thought I was one of the best blockers and most dedicated skaters around. Even when I just wanted to bash someones face into the wall or floor, I felt like it was my duty as a teammate to look out for them when it was time. We wore the same colors so I felt that no one will beat the shit out of her the way I know I could. I felt that that's what made me a decent team member. There were times where I just wanted to quit because dealing with that bitch was too much for me, but I put up a fight to stay for my family I knew that if I left she would continue to dog out my sisters. She pushed my buttons, she tried to knock me down cuz she thought I was scared of her. my only fear was that I would punch her and and wouldn't know when to stop. When I signed up for derby I signed up for a drama free experience, to make friends and to lose weight. BnB was an experience I will never forget. It was also a very bitter break up for me yes we all decided it was best to shut down the league but the feeling that followed left me bitter and empty for quite sometime. I thought that I was gonna pick up where I left off with derby. I thought I was going to be a beast on the track. But it wasnt as I thought it to be.
After going through this relationship with derby the tears, the bumps and bruises, I was pretty sure I was done. Like any relationship even when its rough because you LOVE the person your with you'll still with it to make it work. No matter how often you say you're leaving because you're tired of the BS you ultimately go back because you dont want what you worked so hard for to go to waste. You feel its worth it. Even after this long ass hiatus I still feel I want this. When the break up first happened I just wanted derby back. my body went through some weird ass changes...or derby withdrawls lol. I went from skating 10 hours a week to 2 hours a week. My lazy ass even did sit ups n shit.....um excuse me but im the couch potato extrodinaire. I dont work out for shit. But legs were twitching and yearning to be back on the market. My heart will always belong to this sport. I gave derby all I had. and I will continue to try to bring myself up to par to where I need to be for derby. I was soooo deparate I practically begged Amyn to let me sub. I threw myself out there. I'm pretty sure she thought I was pathetic but I didnt care thats how badly I want to skate with BCR. I'm super determined to do this, I not quite done with derby yet. I need this in my life. Yes Derby has its fair share of drama, it's what happens when you get a bunch of women together, lol However, derby can never give you STDs or break your heart..not for real anyway. Derby has given me and other women more confidence than they ever had before they knew derby existed. I will always be greatful for derby helping grow as a person, it has given me a certain drive that I never thought I had in me, derby brought me back to life.
I think I'm most greatful that Cho had the brilliant idea to start a derby team, without her I would've never known such a thing exsit near Montgomery. I saw the movie Whip It and all I kept thinking was I WISH they had something like this here, then maybe I wouldn't so desperate to shoot my head off. But if it weren't for Cho and Burn City Rollers I would never know the beauty of roller derby. I can honestly say that despite all the horrbile horror stories I heard about BCR, I'm glad that I chose to stick with them and supported them from day one. I can also thank Ember for having the guts to start a team in Montgomery. She was apart of BCR and formed BnB out of anger to try and prove something, but obviously it failed. After the way things went down and how I was told to not support BCR because she didnt, wasn't gonna stop me from doing it. BCR is a GREAT team and are pretty successful.
Even though my complicated relationship took a slight turn, I am now ready to work this out. There are still things that really need to be worked out on my end, but I'm still gonna try the best I can to make this work. BCR has welcomed me with open arms, and I see no reason why I can't continue my relationship with derby with them. I have spent a lot of time with them before the break up and I will continue to support BCR with everything I have. I'm the part of the relationship where I need and want to make myself better for this to work. You can not got into this half assed. I'm hoping for the best in derby, its been a great year and half through all the BS but this will mos definetly be a good thing for me. I'm all in this, hopefully this year will be better than the last.
Voluptuously yours,
♥Vix♥
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