So i have been feeling kinda meh lately. It seems as though its one thing after another and things just are not looking up. Of course the downfall is money. I lost my dad first now im about to lose my damn house. Its annoyng and stressful and the one thing that relieved me from stress was derby. I cant afford to do anything right now. And its pretty much killing me.
The only bright side to all of this is that my derby family has been there throughout everything. I love them n find hard to be away from them for long periods of time. Derby withdrawl isca bitch! Skating is fun bit skating with ur family is the best feeling in the world. So when being forced to make decision of whether to postpone my derby duties is a hard one. With being faced with the possibility of losing my house and being damn near homeless again u would think i would do it in a heart beat....but its a tough decision to make. I am hanging on to my BCR ladies as hard as i can KNOWING i can not afford this right now. Both my mother and myself sold my dads instrument to pay the mortgage and it has been one depressing heartbreaking thing after another but i know he would have done the same knowing the situtation that we are in. He has done so before.
I know how much my dads music and sports meant to him. We are very passoinate about pretty much the same thing. So just like him im struggling with giving up the only thing i have for myself. I dont plan on giving this up. Im not going out without a fight.. i love my team!!!!! I have a great group of girls the other teams would envy. Its unreal the bond that jas been formed n love that i feel for each girl. I can only hope things will get better soon
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Decisions, decisions
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Dear god will it ever get better
I seriously am going to lose if things dont look up. I have been away from derby for what seems like an eternity when its only been a few weeks. Ever since my dad died it has been a non stop drama filled few months. My mom can not catch a break. She lost her husband and her best friend in the matter of months......im all she has left as far as a "friend" goes. Every morning, every lunch break, and every night i come home i see her eager eyes zoned in on me dying to talk. I love her to death and i do feel her pain but another one of the "if me n robin dont get a job we may have to move back to new orleans" talk i just may rip my ears off. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. While i love my hometown i cant go back there. Im pretty sure im gonna get stuck with some job i will dread. And derby will be an adjustment.
Speaking of adjustments. Im pretty sure while everyone in some way shape or form likes there job there are some things that drive us crazy abouth them. Everyone vents about there job at some point. I made the mistake of vent on facebook with a stat that has pretty much got me in deep shit although no names were mentioned. Let me back up a bit. Long story short My boss claimed i didnt tell her about an appointment that i had. FACT is i told her about my appointment a week ago, i told her that i had an appt scheduled on a wed at 10am she asked what for and i told her....while the dicussion was taking place my coworker Sabrina was there listening to the whole thing. So while im at my appt i get a phone call from my Super asking where i was......it was 11:10 and the time i usually go to work is 10. She was clearly upset about me not being at work(it was her break/shopping time). I told her that i told her about the appt last week and the day before the appt.....she claims i never told her she said she didnt remember. So i got to work we got into an argument and i put "(insert rude comment her" on facecook and deleted not even 2 minutes after. Some how it got back to her. The argument in the office was bad enough cuz the new orleans girl came out of me and i frustrated and annoyed that she was denying shit that was soooo true.
Not only do i have home to think about i now have to think about work and what drama awaits when i get there. I have tried to keep peace in such a small environment but i was pushed to my limit with bullshit. With grieving the loss of my dad and this other shit i came unglued. I do regret the the phrase put up but i dont understand why she was all offended by me deleting her n the rest of my coworkers of my fb page. Its MY page and she can stay off of it. Then she had the audacity to tell my other coworker....her partner in crime about it and now im gonna have lovely glorious days at work.
You know its funny, i havent seen her at her desk in a long time.....shes always gone and shopping. Which means that shes getting all my info together and is gonna submit shit so this should be interesting.....
My life is a fucking mess im almost about to give up on this shit.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
post bout glow!!! 10/25/11
The last post was in August n a lot has happened since then. I had become a full time Burn City Roller!!!! going to practice trying not to sit out on drills n even doing plyo.....yeah my lazy ass doing plyo. anywho i had the oppurtunity to sub for torpedo bay in mobile and it was......interesting? in practice i would scrimmage when I can if i wasnt worn the fuck out lol this was way different it was an actual game. i BOMBED the first half, i hardly go a hit in it was my worst performance EVER. So with that fire in me of being pissed i finally started playing. My nerves were gone n i was ready. Yes we lost against MRV but it was gaining experience for future games.
Now for my first BCR game yes i was nervous but still excited amyn n the steering commitee allowed me to play. I was thankful even if they put me in for 3 plays. I wasnt where i needed to be but i survived it. I had a blast n it felt good to be playing with ppl that i knew n loved. A team that i have been practicing with for quite sometime. It was easy. I couldnt have asked for a better experience. Yes i still have much to learn but the high from that game was gonna last me for quite a while.
BCR makes me want to be a better player. We pretty much love this sport with every fiber in our being. I could not ask for a better team. I can not wait to see my ladies again. They are my family, my sisters. With the loss of a loved one i have gained a great group of women that truly care about me and i in turn care for them.
Monday, August 15, 2011
the rebirth of vix
A lot has transpired since the last post. I was finally getting off my butt and going to practice and then my dad passed away. I'd be lying if I said I didnt see it coming but it happened and I was out of comission for about a week and some days. I did all I could do to help him but i always felt selfish going to practice. Anywho, my father is gone and all i have left is my mom n sis and my team mates. My team has been super understanding throughout this whole process. Their love is endless and encouragement is awesome. i'm so glad that I made the decision to join BCR, they are my extended family. While I feel like some are more connectd than others I will fit in with this LOVELY group of women.
Since getting back into the swing of things, my back has been a constant problem as it was on BnB. yes i know it will take time to rebuild it but im ready now dammit. While i hate my back sometimes i do realize that i have to participate in these drills to make myself better no matter how severe the pain may be, i have to push through it. through one if the drills last night at practice, my back was so bad i seriously wanted to give up. however in order to be great i must do the drills to the best of my ability and give it my all. while its never easy i always feel good that i at least finished a drill without dying. yesterday was the first time in a while that i felt the urge to vomit my brains out. my body isnt used to me pushing myself that hard. I usually think ppl are BSing me when they say im doing good, that they can see the improvement. i only saw minor improvements which is good. for me to actually do a jammer drill KNOWING how much i hate it, was pretty awesome i only sat down to catch my breathe after doing it repeatedly for more than five minutes. that shit felt like it lasted forever n my lungs were dying and the vomit lump was rising but i know i need that excercise. it made realize how much work jammers put in and also that i can jam if i train hard enough. i never wanted to jam cuz i didnt want to work that hard. but with being "a tank" or "a brickhouse" as Amyn n Quakes said what could it really hurt? I think i may do it as a "relief jammer" at first just to get my feet wet. im not all that fast but i may can hold back the other teams jammer.
another thing that i was looking at is how i stop myself from progressing. its pretty annoying. the only thing stopping me from exceling is me. i beat myself up often. I feel as though I should be better than what I am. I wish I could just build my endurance in under two weeks. and what really grinds my gears is that i stress out so much about about my back during a drill that I actually think i make it worse by focusing on how much it hurts. i try not to think on it but i cant help how bad it hurts. last night during the first drill i was thinking about how im gonna die doing the drill n the pain in my back at the time so i pulled out. My shins n back were BURNING!!!!!! i felt like i was on fire. so after i stretched it out i got back out there. every time blicker called my name to sprint in front of the pack i damn near died. i just didnt want to look like a dumbass. what Trick was requesting wasnt even that hard of a drill i just couldnt do it for some reason. but i gave up a few times cuz i felt stupid. i get so sick n tired of "failing myself" its annoying. so after my inner bitchfit and beating myself up i really wanted to sit out of my favorite type of drill.....anything to do with blocking. my wife n 9 pretty much told me to get my ass out there n i didnt regret it. i learn stuff about myself skating with different ppl. kitty told me to "control myself" meaning that im sloppy i guess. but i take whatever ppl say and use it as constructive critisim. Trick said when I fall its like a helicoptor lmao that shit is pretty funny cuz i can only imagine how my thick ass looks lol so im working on falling small.
There are things that I need to fine tune n i cant wait for the day I actually get ready to bout with my team. I want to be good enough to help out my team mates and make them proud!! they are after all my family and i love each and everyone of them!
Since getting back into the swing of things, my back has been a constant problem as it was on BnB. yes i know it will take time to rebuild it but im ready now dammit. While i hate my back sometimes i do realize that i have to participate in these drills to make myself better no matter how severe the pain may be, i have to push through it. through one if the drills last night at practice, my back was so bad i seriously wanted to give up. however in order to be great i must do the drills to the best of my ability and give it my all. while its never easy i always feel good that i at least finished a drill without dying. yesterday was the first time in a while that i felt the urge to vomit my brains out. my body isnt used to me pushing myself that hard. I usually think ppl are BSing me when they say im doing good, that they can see the improvement. i only saw minor improvements which is good. for me to actually do a jammer drill KNOWING how much i hate it, was pretty awesome i only sat down to catch my breathe after doing it repeatedly for more than five minutes. that shit felt like it lasted forever n my lungs were dying and the vomit lump was rising but i know i need that excercise. it made realize how much work jammers put in and also that i can jam if i train hard enough. i never wanted to jam cuz i didnt want to work that hard. but with being "a tank" or "a brickhouse" as Amyn n Quakes said what could it really hurt? I think i may do it as a "relief jammer" at first just to get my feet wet. im not all that fast but i may can hold back the other teams jammer.
another thing that i was looking at is how i stop myself from progressing. its pretty annoying. the only thing stopping me from exceling is me. i beat myself up often. I feel as though I should be better than what I am. I wish I could just build my endurance in under two weeks. and what really grinds my gears is that i stress out so much about about my back during a drill that I actually think i make it worse by focusing on how much it hurts. i try not to think on it but i cant help how bad it hurts. last night during the first drill i was thinking about how im gonna die doing the drill n the pain in my back at the time so i pulled out. My shins n back were BURNING!!!!!! i felt like i was on fire. so after i stretched it out i got back out there. every time blicker called my name to sprint in front of the pack i damn near died. i just didnt want to look like a dumbass. what Trick was requesting wasnt even that hard of a drill i just couldnt do it for some reason. but i gave up a few times cuz i felt stupid. i get so sick n tired of "failing myself" its annoying. so after my inner bitchfit and beating myself up i really wanted to sit out of my favorite type of drill.....anything to do with blocking. my wife n 9 pretty much told me to get my ass out there n i didnt regret it. i learn stuff about myself skating with different ppl. kitty told me to "control myself" meaning that im sloppy i guess. but i take whatever ppl say and use it as constructive critisim. Trick said when I fall its like a helicoptor lmao that shit is pretty funny cuz i can only imagine how my thick ass looks lol so im working on falling small.
There are things that I need to fine tune n i cant wait for the day I actually get ready to bout with my team. I want to be good enough to help out my team mates and make them proud!! they are after all my family and i love each and everyone of them!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
finding the right time
It was never a question of if I was coming back to derby, but when? I havent been on a team in about 7 months. These last few months have been the most stressful for me beause of my dads illness. It has caused both of my parents to be totally relient on me. I have been somewhat losing my mind, due to the fact that they have become more a part of my life. Im like a single mother. so am i wrong at this time to start back derby even though i KNOW i cant afford it? The only major difference is the I'll be traveling to Auburn to do so. Which isnt that bad considering the fact that I have done it before on more than one occasion. I just hope my mother understands that i seriously need this to keep my sanity. I also hope that BCR will see the hard work that i am going to put it. I am sooooo nervous to go but I know as long as they see me trying, they wont give me looks that kill.
Right as I decide that im going to practice my radiator goes up in somke. It was a Sunday afternoon and i was on my way to Looneys with the sib to skate and when i turned the car off my car was in a cloud. At that moment all i could do was cry thinking that yet AGAIN i will be set back. I think it bothered me most was my derby idol being a little annoyed with me. I had told her a week before that i was coming to practice and i had every intention to. however when your car is up in smoke and the mechanic tells you it'll be $530 plus to fix.......what could i really do? so i sucked it up and pushed derby back yet again.
after almost a week or two of no skating i pretty much had a nervous brake down. i kinda bitched to helley about how much not skating got to me. SO after Saintly's n Beezy's words, Helley's love I FINALLY got my butt out there when I could. and i didnt feel so shitty about it either. I skated through drills the best i could it was hard after months of no training. All that mattered was that I was there giving it my all.
Right as I decide that im going to practice my radiator goes up in somke. It was a Sunday afternoon and i was on my way to Looneys with the sib to skate and when i turned the car off my car was in a cloud. At that moment all i could do was cry thinking that yet AGAIN i will be set back. I think it bothered me most was my derby idol being a little annoyed with me. I had told her a week before that i was coming to practice and i had every intention to. however when your car is up in smoke and the mechanic tells you it'll be $530 plus to fix.......what could i really do? so i sucked it up and pushed derby back yet again.
after almost a week or two of no skating i pretty much had a nervous brake down. i kinda bitched to helley about how much not skating got to me. SO after Saintly's n Beezy's words, Helley's love I FINALLY got my butt out there when I could. and i didnt feel so shitty about it either. I skated through drills the best i could it was hard after months of no training. All that mattered was that I was there giving it my all.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Random thought about the women in derby
There is something instilled in women that makes them have a love like no other. Quite frankly I feel like a man's love is feeble and somewhat worthless. Men will love you until you slip up and make even the smallest mistake. Women however are forgiving, patient, and have the strongest love possible. I mentioned this because being in a sport where you practically beat the shit out of your opponent you have to be forgiving at some point because its just a game. Something also struck me was the sisterhood that is formed between women. In this crazy world, women are very tight knit butt loads of compassion.
For instance, with all the bs that goes on behind the curtain of a team, they ultimately pull their shit together before a bout and stick together as a unit, a family. One of the things I LOVED and BnB was the sisterhood and camaraderie we all had. We were after all, women from TOTALLY different backgrounds but we all came together for the love of this sport. We had disagreements that would make you want to punch someone in the face, but come game time NO ONE and I do mean NO ONE was gonna fuck over my teammates. If you weren't a member of my unit, your were pretty much on my shit list. i remember one of the girls from our first and only home bouts was gunning for my derby wife that was a jammer for that jam. Knowing my wife's hate for jamming and how it wore he out I did the only thing that came to my mind when I saw someone coming for her.....blocked the shit out of her. After getting served a little ass beating from PRRD we went to the after party and it was a bit disturbing to see all three teams divided. Being the over bubbly person that I am and knowing my fellow teammates weren't to after party happy I took it upon myself to mix and mingle. Talking to those girls even for a moment was a good chance to bond. It's a chance to get to know your opponet To know that their home is open to me when I want to travel is pretty sweet.
Also when your in desperate need to talk to someone there is someone ALWAYS there. Like my dear friend Juggs. She was around for my darkest times and I will be forever grateful for her. She is someone who will be in my life while.
Anywho, the derby sisterhood is pretty awesome. There's no initiation process or hazing process. I think the fact that we do this sport is enough lol there are some hits that will rattle you and bring you to your knees. But every woman in derby is mostly about uplifting and encouraging her teammates. The fact that we all came through the cut makes us appreciate and respect everyone in this brutal sport.
For instance, with all the bs that goes on behind the curtain of a team, they ultimately pull their shit together before a bout and stick together as a unit, a family. One of the things I LOVED and BnB was the sisterhood and camaraderie we all had. We were after all, women from TOTALLY different backgrounds but we all came together for the love of this sport. We had disagreements that would make you want to punch someone in the face, but come game time NO ONE and I do mean NO ONE was gonna fuck over my teammates. If you weren't a member of my unit, your were pretty much on my shit list. i remember one of the girls from our first and only home bouts was gunning for my derby wife that was a jammer for that jam. Knowing my wife's hate for jamming and how it wore he out I did the only thing that came to my mind when I saw someone coming for her.....blocked the shit out of her. After getting served a little ass beating from PRRD we went to the after party and it was a bit disturbing to see all three teams divided. Being the over bubbly person that I am and knowing my fellow teammates weren't to after party happy I took it upon myself to mix and mingle. Talking to those girls even for a moment was a good chance to bond. It's a chance to get to know your opponet To know that their home is open to me when I want to travel is pretty sweet.
Also when your in desperate need to talk to someone there is someone ALWAYS there. Like my dear friend Juggs. She was around for my darkest times and I will be forever grateful for her. She is someone who will be in my life while.
Anywho, the derby sisterhood is pretty awesome. There's no initiation process or hazing process. I think the fact that we do this sport is enough lol there are some hits that will rattle you and bring you to your knees. But every woman in derby is mostly about uplifting and encouraging her teammates. The fact that we all came through the cut makes us appreciate and respect everyone in this brutal sport.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Is in a relationship and its complicated
The first relationship I had was in high school with the love of my life Charles. He wasn't the most appealing guy but he was mine. To me in the beginning he was sweet, caring, and talented. I didn't know what it was but I was attracted to him from the first day I met him. I found him special, there were other boys at the time that looked at me, but because I'm weird I wanted him. He was in the school marching band and I think that that had been a reason why I wanted him. I wanted to be popular. I wanted to be well liked by my friends and other ppl. I wanted to be the girl in the movies that everybody wanted. Getting to know him was most definitely a pleasure. He was patient, thoughtful and did whatever it took to make me happy. During my high school career I was with him....even up until college I spent every moment I could with him. I gave this dude everything to make him happy i thought that we were gonna be together forever. As with all relationships came hard work. I'm the type of person that puts my all into anything I'm dedicated to. At that moment he was my life, my love, and my all. Yes I know its all sappy n shit but that's how it was for me. Words don't do it justice the way I loved him. I got the butterflies at the thought of him, the stupid grin that would never come off my face whenever he was around I never had to worry about feeling beautiful around him, being with him was effortless. Even with the fights that we had we always managed to pick up right where we left off, to me it was perfect.
As always with the good came the bad. In the beginning I was blinded by the small signs of the fading relationship. There were days where I just didn't want to try and make it work with him. There were days where the sight of him made me sick, yet I couldn't break away from him because I loved him more than life itself. there were days he made me so happy and I forgot what my life was like without him. The day we broke up was one of the most devastating days of my life. I thought I would die without him near. For the past fours (my high school years) I've spent everyday with him and to suddenly be without was death. We tried to get back together but it was never the same. He was a constant disappointment. Every time I reached or tried to get closer to him he pretty much stabbed me in the stomach. Deep down I KNEW it wasn't gonna work, but because I loved him I was willing to try. After about another four years after the breakup I finally gave up. We are still friends to this day. I don't talk to him as often as I used to but its nice to hear from him considering he was a huge part of my life.
The second relationship I have ever been in was roller derby. Yes I know it sounds weird but the sport was my love n passion....still is. Like Charles, derby was my everything. Since 2005 it has been a series of unfortunate events for me. From the hurricane to more personal issues I felt like I couldn't catch a break. Roller Derby was literally peace after the storm. It was love at first sight, but I knew the road to becoming a derby girl would be a rough one. Like my previous relationship, I gave my all to this sport. It was kind of sickening to constantly talk and post about it. I loved derby and loved how it made me feel. Skating is my passion, I was never really that great at it so my chance to be great at this new hobby was good for me. Its always fun to start something new but to stick with it, with all the shit that was going to happen in the future would be the the kicker. So with my cheap skates in hand and a positive attitude I was on my way to become a derby girl. With becoming a derby girl or athlete I had to give up more than I bargained for. I honestly didn't expect for derby to take up most of my life, I didn't expect for to me this dedicated to it. It was great in the beginning because I had a goal to meet. I know i had to work twice as hard to be like the smaller girls. My BnB experience was a blissful one in the beginning. Everyone was so friendly and loving and it was pretty much a family. We all spent a great deal of time with each other cuz we loved the sport that much. We all had butterflies, we all had the desire to be better skaters, and better players. the feeling that we all got from the smelly pads and lacing up our skates was an unforgettable and awesome experience. but the relationship with Ember and other teammates was a sour one. Throughout the year of being with BnB we had some pretty nasty fall outs like all relationships we manage to kiss and make up even when we really didn't want to cuz we were a family and a team and we all had to work together to try and be successful. During my BnB reign I thought I was one of the best blockers and most dedicated skaters around. Even when I just wanted to bash someones face into the wall or floor, I felt like it was my duty as a teammate to look out for them when it was time. We wore the same colors so I felt that no one will beat the shit out of her the way I know I could. I felt that that's what made me a decent team member. There were times where I just wanted to quit because dealing with that bitch was too much for me, but I put up a fight to stay for my family I knew that if I left she would continue to dog out my sisters. She pushed my buttons, she tried to knock me down cuz she thought I was scared of her. my only fear was that I would punch her and and wouldn't know when to stop. When I signed up for derby I signed up for a drama free experience, to make friends and to lose weight. BnB was an experience I will never forget. It was also a very bitter break up for me yes we all decided it was best to shut down the league but the feeling that followed left me bitter and empty for quite sometime. I thought that I was gonna pick up where I left off with derby. I thought I was going to be a beast on the track. But it wasnt as I thought it to be.
After going through this relationship with derby the tears, the bumps and bruises, I was pretty sure I was done. Like any relationship even when its rough because you LOVE the person your with you'll still with it to make it work. No matter how often you say you're leaving because you're tired of the BS you ultimately go back because you dont want what you worked so hard for to go to waste. You feel its worth it. Even after this long ass hiatus I still feel I want this. When the break up first happened I just wanted derby back. my body went through some weird ass changes...or derby withdrawls lol. I went from skating 10 hours a week to 2 hours a week. My lazy ass even did sit ups n shit.....um excuse me but im the couch potato extrodinaire. I dont work out for shit. But legs were twitching and yearning to be back on the market. My heart will always belong to this sport. I gave derby all I had. and I will continue to try to bring myself up to par to where I need to be for derby. I was soooo deparate I practically begged Amyn to let me sub. I threw myself out there. I'm pretty sure she thought I was pathetic but I didnt care thats how badly I want to skate with BCR. I'm super determined to do this, I not quite done with derby yet. I need this in my life. Yes Derby has its fair share of drama, it's what happens when you get a bunch of women together, lol However, derby can never give you STDs or break your heart..not for real anyway. Derby has given me and other women more confidence than they ever had before they knew derby existed. I will always be greatful for derby helping grow as a person, it has given me a certain drive that I never thought I had in me, derby brought me back to life.
I think I'm most greatful that Cho had the brilliant idea to start a derby team, without her I would've never known such a thing exsit near Montgomery. I saw the movie Whip It and all I kept thinking was I WISH they had something like this here, then maybe I wouldn't so desperate to shoot my head off. But if it weren't for Cho and Burn City Rollers I would never know the beauty of roller derby. I can honestly say that despite all the horrbile horror stories I heard about BCR, I'm glad that I chose to stick with them and supported them from day one. I can also thank Ember for having the guts to start a team in Montgomery. She was apart of BCR and formed BnB out of anger to try and prove something, but obviously it failed. After the way things went down and how I was told to not support BCR because she didnt, wasn't gonna stop me from doing it. BCR is a GREAT team and are pretty successful.
Even though my complicated relationship took a slight turn, I am now ready to work this out. There are still things that really need to be worked out on my end, but I'm still gonna try the best I can to make this work. BCR has welcomed me with open arms, and I see no reason why I can't continue my relationship with derby with them. I have spent a lot of time with them before the break up and I will continue to support BCR with everything I have. I'm the part of the relationship where I need and want to make myself better for this to work. You can not got into this half assed. I'm hoping for the best in derby, its been a great year and half through all the BS but this will mos definetly be a good thing for me. I'm all in this, hopefully this year will be better than the last.
Voluptuously yours,
♥Vix♥
As always with the good came the bad. In the beginning I was blinded by the small signs of the fading relationship. There were days where I just didn't want to try and make it work with him. There were days where the sight of him made me sick, yet I couldn't break away from him because I loved him more than life itself. there were days he made me so happy and I forgot what my life was like without him. The day we broke up was one of the most devastating days of my life. I thought I would die without him near. For the past fours (my high school years) I've spent everyday with him and to suddenly be without was death. We tried to get back together but it was never the same. He was a constant disappointment. Every time I reached or tried to get closer to him he pretty much stabbed me in the stomach. Deep down I KNEW it wasn't gonna work, but because I loved him I was willing to try. After about another four years after the breakup I finally gave up. We are still friends to this day. I don't talk to him as often as I used to but its nice to hear from him considering he was a huge part of my life.
The second relationship I have ever been in was roller derby. Yes I know it sounds weird but the sport was my love n passion....still is. Like Charles, derby was my everything. Since 2005 it has been a series of unfortunate events for me. From the hurricane to more personal issues I felt like I couldn't catch a break. Roller Derby was literally peace after the storm. It was love at first sight, but I knew the road to becoming a derby girl would be a rough one. Like my previous relationship, I gave my all to this sport. It was kind of sickening to constantly talk and post about it. I loved derby and loved how it made me feel. Skating is my passion, I was never really that great at it so my chance to be great at this new hobby was good for me. Its always fun to start something new but to stick with it, with all the shit that was going to happen in the future would be the the kicker. So with my cheap skates in hand and a positive attitude I was on my way to become a derby girl. With becoming a derby girl or athlete I had to give up more than I bargained for. I honestly didn't expect for derby to take up most of my life, I didn't expect for to me this dedicated to it. It was great in the beginning because I had a goal to meet. I know i had to work twice as hard to be like the smaller girls. My BnB experience was a blissful one in the beginning. Everyone was so friendly and loving and it was pretty much a family. We all spent a great deal of time with each other cuz we loved the sport that much. We all had butterflies, we all had the desire to be better skaters, and better players. the feeling that we all got from the smelly pads and lacing up our skates was an unforgettable and awesome experience. but the relationship with Ember and other teammates was a sour one. Throughout the year of being with BnB we had some pretty nasty fall outs like all relationships we manage to kiss and make up even when we really didn't want to cuz we were a family and a team and we all had to work together to try and be successful. During my BnB reign I thought I was one of the best blockers and most dedicated skaters around. Even when I just wanted to bash someones face into the wall or floor, I felt like it was my duty as a teammate to look out for them when it was time. We wore the same colors so I felt that no one will beat the shit out of her the way I know I could. I felt that that's what made me a decent team member. There were times where I just wanted to quit because dealing with that bitch was too much for me, but I put up a fight to stay for my family I knew that if I left she would continue to dog out my sisters. She pushed my buttons, she tried to knock me down cuz she thought I was scared of her. my only fear was that I would punch her and and wouldn't know when to stop. When I signed up for derby I signed up for a drama free experience, to make friends and to lose weight. BnB was an experience I will never forget. It was also a very bitter break up for me yes we all decided it was best to shut down the league but the feeling that followed left me bitter and empty for quite sometime. I thought that I was gonna pick up where I left off with derby. I thought I was going to be a beast on the track. But it wasnt as I thought it to be.
After going through this relationship with derby the tears, the bumps and bruises, I was pretty sure I was done. Like any relationship even when its rough because you LOVE the person your with you'll still with it to make it work. No matter how often you say you're leaving because you're tired of the BS you ultimately go back because you dont want what you worked so hard for to go to waste. You feel its worth it. Even after this long ass hiatus I still feel I want this. When the break up first happened I just wanted derby back. my body went through some weird ass changes...or derby withdrawls lol. I went from skating 10 hours a week to 2 hours a week. My lazy ass even did sit ups n shit.....um excuse me but im the couch potato extrodinaire. I dont work out for shit. But legs were twitching and yearning to be back on the market. My heart will always belong to this sport. I gave derby all I had. and I will continue to try to bring myself up to par to where I need to be for derby. I was soooo deparate I practically begged Amyn to let me sub. I threw myself out there. I'm pretty sure she thought I was pathetic but I didnt care thats how badly I want to skate with BCR. I'm super determined to do this, I not quite done with derby yet. I need this in my life. Yes Derby has its fair share of drama, it's what happens when you get a bunch of women together, lol However, derby can never give you STDs or break your heart..not for real anyway. Derby has given me and other women more confidence than they ever had before they knew derby existed. I will always be greatful for derby helping grow as a person, it has given me a certain drive that I never thought I had in me, derby brought me back to life.
I think I'm most greatful that Cho had the brilliant idea to start a derby team, without her I would've never known such a thing exsit near Montgomery. I saw the movie Whip It and all I kept thinking was I WISH they had something like this here, then maybe I wouldn't so desperate to shoot my head off. But if it weren't for Cho and Burn City Rollers I would never know the beauty of roller derby. I can honestly say that despite all the horrbile horror stories I heard about BCR, I'm glad that I chose to stick with them and supported them from day one. I can also thank Ember for having the guts to start a team in Montgomery. She was apart of BCR and formed BnB out of anger to try and prove something, but obviously it failed. After the way things went down and how I was told to not support BCR because she didnt, wasn't gonna stop me from doing it. BCR is a GREAT team and are pretty successful.
Even though my complicated relationship took a slight turn, I am now ready to work this out. There are still things that really need to be worked out on my end, but I'm still gonna try the best I can to make this work. BCR has welcomed me with open arms, and I see no reason why I can't continue my relationship with derby with them. I have spent a lot of time with them before the break up and I will continue to support BCR with everything I have. I'm the part of the relationship where I need and want to make myself better for this to work. You can not got into this half assed. I'm hoping for the best in derby, its been a great year and half through all the BS but this will mos definetly be a good thing for me. I'm all in this, hopefully this year will be better than the last.
Voluptuously yours,
♥Vix♥
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Goals and what not
I almost never make lists or goals that I know I'm to lazy to conquer. However, after reading 9's blog it may be a step in the right direction for me. I really don't like putting a lot of effort into things i don't care for, I want to be easy so I wont have to work so hard. sad I know but when you have worked hard doing everything else you kind of want to have a little easy button in your life. Derby wasn't so easy or fun at times. Your body is constantly sore, you are way to hard on yourself when you cant get anything right and it sucks. The thing that I had to keep telling myself was that it will get better, I was not doing all this work to NOT be a derby girl. I constantly longed for the day I could "Dixie Throw" a bitch. I LOVED hitting, just hated doing all other exercises that didn't involve them. yeah i know its dumb but that's how i have always been. Like off skates training, I sooooo DO NOT want to run are anything else for that matter. But if i just skated like I have been doing and haven't done anything else what good am I to my teammates? It took FOREVER for me to build the little endurance I had and that solely based on my lack of cardio and my unwillingness to do anything that didn't require 8 wheels. After seeing my wife Helley skate with BCR after 2 months I could hardly keep up with her. The power in her strides were a thing of beauty. I have never seen her look so good. She had been doing off skates practices with BCR and while I shunned the idea my wife was making herself better. Yes exercises suck in the beginning but it gets easier as the time progress. Off skates practice seems to be yet another way to be less stressed. No matter how shitty I feel before I go skating the minute I start its like loads have been lifted off my shoulders. I'm pretty sure off skates practice does the same for those who attend.
I'm pretty much watching myself grow into one of the tweedles from Alice in Wonderland. I know what I have to do to take care of the problem. Its the get up and go that is my problem. What is soooo hard about going for a walk or working out to make myself better? Helley once wrote a blog about making herself better but for who? She decided to focus more on herself making herself better for herself, for once she was being selfish and made herself a better athlete. Her transformation during her off season with BCR was something that I actually look forward to. I cant wait for the day that I can be like her and the rest of BCR. They are like Titans on the track. Literally all shapes and sizes and are not to be underestimated. Amyn may be tiny but she will knock the biggest chick on her ass if she gets in the way.
but anywho it is time to set some goals of my own, im not gonna make some long list i know i cant achieve. I will however make realistic goals for myself to put in the right direction of becoming a better skater for myself first and then my team. Yes it will be a struggle the end result is all I realy care about, being on the track with great respectable players. so without here goes:
Goals for Vix
1. even when i ssssoooo dont feel like it, do my physical thereapy.....theres a reason the doc gave it to me
2. even though I hate the gym, going to my cousin's free gym and getting on the cycle will only help in the long run.
3. cut back on the junk food, everytime I think about fast food take that money and put in the derby/gas fund......you'd be suprised on how much you save
4. edurance, cario, plyo, whatever lol learn it, live it, love it! it makes for a better skater
5. self motivate!!!!!! no one can stop me but me
Voluptuously yours,
Vix♥
I'm pretty much watching myself grow into one of the tweedles from Alice in Wonderland. I know what I have to do to take care of the problem. Its the get up and go that is my problem. What is soooo hard about going for a walk or working out to make myself better? Helley once wrote a blog about making herself better but for who? She decided to focus more on herself making herself better for herself, for once she was being selfish and made herself a better athlete. Her transformation during her off season with BCR was something that I actually look forward to. I cant wait for the day that I can be like her and the rest of BCR. They are like Titans on the track. Literally all shapes and sizes and are not to be underestimated. Amyn may be tiny but she will knock the biggest chick on her ass if she gets in the way.
but anywho it is time to set some goals of my own, im not gonna make some long list i know i cant achieve. I will however make realistic goals for myself to put in the right direction of becoming a better skater for myself first and then my team. Yes it will be a struggle the end result is all I realy care about, being on the track with great respectable players. so without here goes:
Goals for Vix
1. even when i ssssoooo dont feel like it, do my physical thereapy.....theres a reason the doc gave it to me
2. even though I hate the gym, going to my cousin's free gym and getting on the cycle will only help in the long run.
3. cut back on the junk food, everytime I think about fast food take that money and put in the derby/gas fund......you'd be suprised on how much you save
4. edurance, cario, plyo, whatever lol learn it, live it, love it! it makes for a better skater
5. self motivate!!!!!! no one can stop me but me
Voluptuously yours,
Vix♥
Monday, March 14, 2011
All the Motivation I Needed.
While my Derby persona may be dying on black and white doesn't mean that I am. Voluptuous Vixen is here and she will grace the track with her sexy and dangerous curves again sometime soon. I have been looking at this the wrong way, I'm being way too negative about this. While I'm being all pissy and pouty the fact of the matter is that I WILL be back. its not like I'm out because of an injury I'm on a forced hiatus. its not like I cant skate and self motivate myself. My first derby wife Midnight is going through the same thing, we are both forced to take a break but we will be back just not now. I need to take this time to work on the things that I can fix instead of just jumping into it. my old coach Ember kind of rushed us into getting ready for our season and most of us still weren't ready when it started. as much as she talked shit about BCR she could have a taken a few notes on how to run a team. not only was on skates training import but off skates as well. yes the bitch gave us a workout log but nothing that was super beneficial to our endurance. in these past months i have watched my other derby wife become pretty bad ass. shes stronger and faster. her endurance is WAY better than when she left Belles. But the thing is this she made herself get this way because of her determination. I am not the best self motivator, i like having someone with me cuz it sucks doing things alone. i was always a lazy broad. but when derby came along it gave me something to look forward to and be good at. and I personally think its time to take away my excuses. I think I should be using this time to work my back muscles up to where they need to be. Helley did it without me she was hell bent on getting better and did what it took to be a better skater. I have never been more proud of my wife and i KNOW she is gonna get better with time and BCR's training. they have help mold her into a bigger beast than what i left her with. I may not be skating with a team but I will do my part and work on the things I can fixed that way when I can join BCR I wont feel like a total fat ass. I always seem to slack on shit and for once I want to go to practice and not have to sit down because I'm winded and hurting because of my fucking back. SOOOOOO its officially time to quit the bitchin and try and do something about it....just saying. Im bitching about not being motivated when all the motivation i NEED has been right in my face all along......HELLEY!!!! just last year around this time I was recovering from a breast reduction and hoping I could be one of those hard hitting girls.....NEWSFLASH BITCHES!!!! I am a hard hitting mother fucker!!! lol and I will be better than I was before. til then ppl this voodoo vixen will be brewing a lil something for ya'll
Voluptuously yours,
Vix♥
Voluptuously yours,
Vix♥
Suckerpunched!
So i get a message in my fb inbox saying that my derby name and number will be deleted from two evils........my heart literally dropped. I already knew that my former team BnB was broken up, dissolved, or whatever word you want to use. However, the fact that the derby name that I had chosen and the persona that I took on will be no more on April 18, 2011. Derby has been a MAJOR part of my life this past year. It was my love, my life, and without it being a constant thing to turn to has kinda broke me. When BnB broke up I thought that I would automatically join the new Montgomery team but things in my POV just didnt feel right. If home is where the heart is then that wasnt the place for me. There was something that I couldnt quite put my finger on that didnt feel like home. I figured that since it was leftover BnB girls that started the new team it would be ok, but something just wasnt right about being there. So I figured I'd try going to BCR's practice to see how I would like it. I've been to BCR practices before and each time was a pleasent experience. Everytime I left I felt like I was learning and building a relationship with a team I had learned and looked up too. When I went to practice with my derby wife Helley and my little sis Malice, it was one of the best experiences I had doing derby. From the time I walked in to the time I left it was a beautiful experience. The encouragement, the drills, and the teammates were awesome!! I knew then that that is where I belonged. but there were things that were gone hender me from going.
It was mostly money and religion. lol yeah I know its pretty lame but its me. I have bible study 3 times a week, Sunday Wednesday and Friday. Horribly enough it was on times that would effect practices. the drive to and from auburn was never a problem because I often went to auburn on Tuesdays and Thursdays to go skate cuz Montgomery's rink was closed. So I would wonder and see how to make this derby relationship continue with the few road blocks, I hardly ever missed bible study with BnB. But when I started going to BCR practices my mother would damn me to hell for missing the ones I missed. So while being lectured about bible study absence my father's health had gotten worse which meant that I had to help out more financially, which meant little to no skating at all. I went from skating 8 plus hours a week to only 2 hours a week. My derby career ws over before I knew it. I had only been in two bouts. From trouble with being the late bloomer of the bunch and have a breast reduction has put me back a bit. so with 2 bouts and 1 scrimmage against TCR's Plan B. I thought I was on my way, with just a tad bit of training I would be ready to go.....then the break up happened. I have not been happy since. Derby had given me something to look forward to. a chance to escape bills that were constantly knocking at my door. I did whatever it took to play derby. it was mod def hard to pay dues sometimes, but I wanted it that bad where I didnt care if my cell phone was cut off as long as I could play or practice. I wanted to make it work, thats the kind of love and passion I had for this sport.
which brings me to this point right here. Its not that I dont want to join BCR, its the fact that I financially can not do it right now. I feel like the biggest failure. For something that I have worked so hard for to have to be pushed to side KILLS ME!!! it literally brings me to tears thinking about how I cant do what I love. As much as I try to convey how much I want this, words can only do so much. and because I cant act on it right I just dont say anymore. those who KNOW me KNOW that this was my life for a year and i miss it sooooo much. I know it may be wrong to claim a team that is not offically mine and hopefully BCR is not offended by it. but it is where my heart is. every teammate that i have talked to I admire in many ways. Saint for endless encouragement, Cho for her being so understanding and letting me butt in on practice, Amyn for letting me know how booty blocking is supossed to be done, 9 for being a bosom buddy and never giving up the fight, Ziggy for always listening to vent and helping me out with the bs i'd endured on BnB, Bezzy for helping me realize that i have to crawl before i can walk watching you from the ver ybeginning and seeing u now you are an awesome skater!!!! i love seeing u go SLIM!!!! you my love you are something else and i love skating with u. Last but not least my wife Helley, you are my motivation to get back at this watching u grow these past months have been AMAZING and cant believe this is the girl I met and skated beside almost a year ago. All the BCR girls have left a great impression on me and I love you all and will hopefully skate with yall in the near future.
I am so desparate to be on the same track with ladies, but I feel Im not worthy of that just yet. BCR has only seen me on one bout and dont really NEED me on their team but i so badly want to be there. I honestly thought i would be there by now thinking income tax was gonna solve the problem but a series of unfortunate events has prevented me from doing so. If I cant skate with my team I will be supporting them on every bout I can make. these girls are great competitors and I am lucky to be around such awesome skaters. My big bro Griff once told me that "to be great you have to surround yourself with quailty" and thats what I plan on doing with BCR. I may not be skating with them as of now but cant hardly wait til the day I can. even if its to sub I will defend my team to the fullest.
side note sorry for the ramblings im just heartbroken frustrated and need an outlet
It was mostly money and religion. lol yeah I know its pretty lame but its me. I have bible study 3 times a week, Sunday Wednesday and Friday. Horribly enough it was on times that would effect practices. the drive to and from auburn was never a problem because I often went to auburn on Tuesdays and Thursdays to go skate cuz Montgomery's rink was closed. So I would wonder and see how to make this derby relationship continue with the few road blocks, I hardly ever missed bible study with BnB. But when I started going to BCR practices my mother would damn me to hell for missing the ones I missed. So while being lectured about bible study absence my father's health had gotten worse which meant that I had to help out more financially, which meant little to no skating at all. I went from skating 8 plus hours a week to only 2 hours a week. My derby career ws over before I knew it. I had only been in two bouts. From trouble with being the late bloomer of the bunch and have a breast reduction has put me back a bit. so with 2 bouts and 1 scrimmage against TCR's Plan B. I thought I was on my way, with just a tad bit of training I would be ready to go.....then the break up happened. I have not been happy since. Derby had given me something to look forward to. a chance to escape bills that were constantly knocking at my door. I did whatever it took to play derby. it was mod def hard to pay dues sometimes, but I wanted it that bad where I didnt care if my cell phone was cut off as long as I could play or practice. I wanted to make it work, thats the kind of love and passion I had for this sport.
which brings me to this point right here. Its not that I dont want to join BCR, its the fact that I financially can not do it right now. I feel like the biggest failure. For something that I have worked so hard for to have to be pushed to side KILLS ME!!! it literally brings me to tears thinking about how I cant do what I love. As much as I try to convey how much I want this, words can only do so much. and because I cant act on it right I just dont say anymore. those who KNOW me KNOW that this was my life for a year and i miss it sooooo much. I know it may be wrong to claim a team that is not offically mine and hopefully BCR is not offended by it. but it is where my heart is. every teammate that i have talked to I admire in many ways. Saint for endless encouragement, Cho for her being so understanding and letting me butt in on practice, Amyn for letting me know how booty blocking is supossed to be done, 9 for being a bosom buddy and never giving up the fight, Ziggy for always listening to vent and helping me out with the bs i'd endured on BnB, Bezzy for helping me realize that i have to crawl before i can walk watching you from the ver ybeginning and seeing u now you are an awesome skater!!!! i love seeing u go SLIM!!!! you my love you are something else and i love skating with u. Last but not least my wife Helley, you are my motivation to get back at this watching u grow these past months have been AMAZING and cant believe this is the girl I met and skated beside almost a year ago. All the BCR girls have left a great impression on me and I love you all and will hopefully skate with yall in the near future.
I am so desparate to be on the same track with ladies, but I feel Im not worthy of that just yet. BCR has only seen me on one bout and dont really NEED me on their team but i so badly want to be there. I honestly thought i would be there by now thinking income tax was gonna solve the problem but a series of unfortunate events has prevented me from doing so. If I cant skate with my team I will be supporting them on every bout I can make. these girls are great competitors and I am lucky to be around such awesome skaters. My big bro Griff once told me that "to be great you have to surround yourself with quailty" and thats what I plan on doing with BCR. I may not be skating with them as of now but cant hardly wait til the day I can. even if its to sub I will defend my team to the fullest.
side note sorry for the ramblings im just heartbroken frustrated and need an outlet
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Something of my own
I feel like I have been a little vague on details so here's a quickie. I was born and raised in New Orleans and was kicked out by Hurricane Katrina and relocated to Montgomery, AL....THE END well sort of. My life has been pretty boring up until the hurricane. I had friends, I did well in school and I stayed out of trouble.....well I HAD to or else my parents would and i quote "tear my ass up" no matter how grown I was. The most darling thing I did under 21 was sneak out the house with my boyfriend and get a tattoo......very original. After moving to Montgomery I was always "the funny girl from New Orleans." One never knows how they would react when something tragic affects there lives. Yes I was depressed but I also didn't want to be constantly reminded that I lost everything I had due to some ignorant assholes who bombed the levee. I just literally wanted some normality back in my life. So I got a job.....then got laid off which was the most devastating thing you can do to someone who has nothing. From homeless to jobless I went on a search for a job.....150 applications and no job later I decided to enroll in school until I found a job. I could FINALLY meet people and get back to happy, or so I thought.
Going to the University that shall remain nameless, was nothing but a joke. It reminded me of high school. It was a popularity contest/ fashion show and because I didn't have "the look" I didn't mesh well with the kids. I was a 22 year old freshmen trying to get my degree and GET THE FUCK OUT!!! The school bit lasted until my dad took ill. At this point I was a sophomore and my father's health took a turn for the worst and I had to up more funds to help out. I dropped out of college to find a second job, with that second came a little cash and a lot of fat. i had nothing for me. I was making money only to be giving it to the parental units to help them keep their house and dads meds acomin'. Since the stores in Montgomery are for those who only eat crackers n drink diets sodas, I went to food for my relief. That was the only thing I could afford and the only thing that made me happy for the moment. I never was truly happy. Frustrated with lack of money and man candy I decided to TRY and do something about it....go on a 1200 calorie diet. It was ok for a while but never got the results I wanted. Sooooo 1 year, dream job, and 20lbs of fat later I thought I was happy. I had the job I always wanted with the benefits to match. I just KNEW a breast reduction was in the near future. However I just had this emptiness that food COULD not fill.
With all that I had gone through the last few years I have always wanted something to call my own, something that would help me relieve myself of stress. While working at the fabric store, a regular customer of mine told me about Ole School Skate night at the local skating rink. I for one was never coordinated enough to do such a thing. The last time I went skating was on a pair of roller blades when I was fifteen years old, so putting on quads was going to be a task. After weeks of asking me to come to the skate night I finally went. I have never had so much fun in my life, but I fell more than I skated but that was something that I most definitely wanted to try again. some months later October 21, 2009 I went to my first Roller Derby practice and haven't turned back since. Derby has given me confidence, friends, and the body I have wanted for quite sometime.
In the beginning it was mos def a struggle being the fattest girl on the team. I was last for EVERYTHING and I did a lot of self loathing for a while. For the first time in my life I had some thing that I felt my body was made for. and I looked forward to continuing my journey to becoming a derby girl. I was convinced that THIS is what was missing in my life. I'm an aggressive and playful person and derby was perfect for me. Before going to my first practice my doctor had informed me that I was borderline diabetic and obese and I needed to do something to change it and change it fast. So with my skates in hand and my father as my motivation I went to practice and gave it my all. I knew I had a ways to go. I was fat, lazy, and had boobs that would fill the Grand Canyon. However my captain at the time told me that this sport NEEDED bigger girls. "The more meat the better" But what good is it being big if I get winded on the third lap? I finally felt that I fit in somewhere. I am very protective of people I care about, and these girls were going to be my teammates and family. I was their protector. Skating was my passion, and with all the pent up aggression I had I now had some way to release it. Derby was the way, and my body needed to be molded into wrecking ball I'd hoped to be.
Going to the University that shall remain nameless, was nothing but a joke. It reminded me of high school. It was a popularity contest/ fashion show and because I didn't have "the look" I didn't mesh well with the kids. I was a 22 year old freshmen trying to get my degree and GET THE FUCK OUT!!! The school bit lasted until my dad took ill. At this point I was a sophomore and my father's health took a turn for the worst and I had to up more funds to help out. I dropped out of college to find a second job, with that second came a little cash and a lot of fat. i had nothing for me. I was making money only to be giving it to the parental units to help them keep their house and dads meds acomin'. Since the stores in Montgomery are for those who only eat crackers n drink diets sodas, I went to food for my relief. That was the only thing I could afford and the only thing that made me happy for the moment. I never was truly happy. Frustrated with lack of money and man candy I decided to TRY and do something about it....go on a 1200 calorie diet. It was ok for a while but never got the results I wanted. Sooooo 1 year, dream job, and 20lbs of fat later I thought I was happy. I had the job I always wanted with the benefits to match. I just KNEW a breast reduction was in the near future. However I just had this emptiness that food COULD not fill.
With all that I had gone through the last few years I have always wanted something to call my own, something that would help me relieve myself of stress. While working at the fabric store, a regular customer of mine told me about Ole School Skate night at the local skating rink. I for one was never coordinated enough to do such a thing. The last time I went skating was on a pair of roller blades when I was fifteen years old, so putting on quads was going to be a task. After weeks of asking me to come to the skate night I finally went. I have never had so much fun in my life, but I fell more than I skated but that was something that I most definitely wanted to try again. some months later October 21, 2009 I went to my first Roller Derby practice and haven't turned back since. Derby has given me confidence, friends, and the body I have wanted for quite sometime.
In the beginning it was mos def a struggle being the fattest girl on the team. I was last for EVERYTHING and I did a lot of self loathing for a while. For the first time in my life I had some thing that I felt my body was made for. and I looked forward to continuing my journey to becoming a derby girl. I was convinced that THIS is what was missing in my life. I'm an aggressive and playful person and derby was perfect for me. Before going to my first practice my doctor had informed me that I was borderline diabetic and obese and I needed to do something to change it and change it fast. So with my skates in hand and my father as my motivation I went to practice and gave it my all. I knew I had a ways to go. I was fat, lazy, and had boobs that would fill the Grand Canyon. However my captain at the time told me that this sport NEEDED bigger girls. "The more meat the better" But what good is it being big if I get winded on the third lap? I finally felt that I fit in somewhere. I am very protective of people I care about, and these girls were going to be my teammates and family. I was their protector. Skating was my passion, and with all the pent up aggression I had I now had some way to release it. Derby was the way, and my body needed to be molded into wrecking ball I'd hoped to be.
My father the fighter.
Dear god I don't know what I was thinking when I started this. I've read my derby wife Helley's blog and wondered if it helped her reflect on certain things as a skater. I'm often shy about putting myself out there because I really don't want to seem whiny or annoying. I hate being judged and was very hesitant in starting this so here goes nothing.
About a year or so ago I was at my all time low, I was 270lbs, lonely, and a couch potato. None of which I thought I would be at 26. In my mind a "normal" 26 yr old would be out of their parent’s house, having fun and living a care free life......my life is that of a single parent. Things for me had always kind of been that way. Since I turned 18 I started putting myself last in an effort to help my mom take care of the household financially. While going to school full time and working 34+ hours a week I was stretched to my max. Quite honestly not much has changed. I’m still living with my parents, and still helping financially. The only MAJOR difference is that my dad's health is substantially worse than it was five years ago after Hurricane Katrina. My dad for the most part has always been ill. However, it was never to this extent where he is at this particular moment. A little bit of my dad's past has to do with why he is the way he is, the other part is genetic. Nonetheless, I have watched my dad be the BEST provider, husband, father, and friend, I know him to be. My father is also a fighter, one trait among many that I will forever be thankful for. Because I was the eldest it was my duty to step up when he had taken ill and have not stepped down from that duty for the love of my parents. Yes I'm often tired of carrying the burden but it is my pleasure to repay my parents the best way I know how. This ordeal has helped make me a stronger person. Watching my dad overcome some of his struggles would soon help me over come a few of my own.
About a year or so ago I was at my all time low, I was 270lbs, lonely, and a couch potato. None of which I thought I would be at 26. In my mind a "normal" 26 yr old would be out of their parent’s house, having fun and living a care free life......my life is that of a single parent. Things for me had always kind of been that way. Since I turned 18 I started putting myself last in an effort to help my mom take care of the household financially. While going to school full time and working 34+ hours a week I was stretched to my max. Quite honestly not much has changed. I’m still living with my parents, and still helping financially. The only MAJOR difference is that my dad's health is substantially worse than it was five years ago after Hurricane Katrina. My dad for the most part has always been ill. However, it was never to this extent where he is at this particular moment. A little bit of my dad's past has to do with why he is the way he is, the other part is genetic. Nonetheless, I have watched my dad be the BEST provider, husband, father, and friend, I know him to be. My father is also a fighter, one trait among many that I will forever be thankful for. Because I was the eldest it was my duty to step up when he had taken ill and have not stepped down from that duty for the love of my parents. Yes I'm often tired of carrying the burden but it is my pleasure to repay my parents the best way I know how. This ordeal has helped make me a stronger person. Watching my dad overcome some of his struggles would soon help me over come a few of my own.
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