Suckerpunched!

So i get a message in my fb inbox saying that my derby name and number will be deleted from two evils........my heart literally dropped. I already knew that my former team BnB was broken up, dissolved, or whatever word you want to use. However, the fact that the derby name that I had chosen and the persona that I took on will be no more on April 18, 2011. Derby has been a MAJOR part of my life this past year. It was my love, my life, and without it being a constant thing to turn to has kinda broke me. When BnB broke up I thought that I would automatically join the new Montgomery team but things in my POV just didnt feel right. If home is where the heart is then that wasnt the place for me. There was something that I couldnt quite put my finger on that didnt feel like home. I figured that since it was leftover BnB girls that started the new team it would be ok, but something just wasnt right about being there. So I figured I'd try going to BCR's practice to see how I would like it. I've been to BCR practices before and each time was a pleasent experience. Everytime I left I felt like I was learning and building a relationship with a team I had learned and looked up too. When I went to practice with my derby wife Helley and my little sis Malice, it was one of the best experiences I had doing derby. From the time I walked in to the time I left it was a beautiful experience. The encouragement, the drills, and the teammates were awesome!! I knew then that that is where I belonged. but there were things that were gone hender me from going.

It was mostly money and religion. lol yeah I know its pretty lame but its me. I have bible study 3 times a week, Sunday Wednesday and Friday. Horribly enough it was on times that would effect practices. the drive to and from auburn was never a problem because I often went to auburn on Tuesdays and Thursdays to go skate cuz Montgomery's rink was closed. So I would wonder and see how to make this derby relationship continue with the few road blocks, I hardly ever missed bible study with BnB. But when I started going to BCR practices my mother would damn me to hell for missing the ones I missed. So while being lectured about bible study absence my father's health had gotten worse which meant that I had to help out more financially, which meant little to no skating at all. I went from skating 8 plus hours a week to only 2 hours a week. My derby career ws over before I knew it. I had only been in two bouts. From trouble with being the late bloomer of the bunch and have a breast reduction has put me back a bit. so with 2 bouts and 1 scrimmage against TCR's Plan B. I thought I was on my way, with just a tad bit of training I would be ready to go.....then the break up happened. I have not been happy since. Derby had given me something to look forward to. a chance to escape bills that were constantly knocking at my door. I did whatever it took to play derby. it was mod def hard to pay dues sometimes, but I wanted it that bad where I didnt care if my cell phone was cut off as long as I could play or practice. I wanted to make it work, thats the kind of love and passion I had for this sport.

which brings me to this point right here. Its not that I dont want to join BCR, its the fact that I financially can not do it right now. I feel like the biggest failure. For something that I have worked so hard for to have to be pushed to side KILLS ME!!! it literally brings me to tears thinking about how I cant do what I love. As much as I try to convey how much I want this, words can only do so much. and because I cant act on it right I just dont say anymore. those who KNOW me KNOW that this was my life for a year and i miss it sooooo much. I know it may be wrong to claim a team that is not offically mine and hopefully BCR is not offended by it. but it is where my heart is. every teammate that i have talked to I admire in many ways. Saint for endless encouragement, Cho for her being so understanding and letting me butt in on practice, Amyn for letting me know how booty blocking is supossed to be done, 9 for being a bosom buddy and never giving up the fight, Ziggy for always listening to vent and helping me out with the bs i'd endured on BnB, Bezzy for helping me realize that i have to crawl before i can walk watching you from the ver ybeginning and seeing u now you are an awesome skater!!!! i love seeing u go SLIM!!!! you my love you are something else and i love skating with u. Last but not least my wife Helley, you are my motivation to get back at this watching u grow these past months have been AMAZING and cant believe this is the girl I met and skated beside almost a year ago. All the BCR girls have left a great impression on me and I love you all and will hopefully skate with yall in the near future.

I am so desparate to be on the same track with ladies, but I feel Im not worthy of that just yet. BCR has only seen me on one bout and dont really NEED me on their team but i so badly want to be there. I honestly thought i would be there by now thinking income tax was gonna solve the problem but a series of unfortunate events has prevented me from doing so. If I cant skate with my team I will be supporting them on every bout I can make. these girls are great competitors and I am lucky to be around such awesome skaters. My big bro Griff once told me that "to be great you have to surround yourself with quailty" and thats what I plan on doing with BCR. I may not be skating with them as of now but cant hardly wait til the day I can. even if its to sub I will defend my team to the fullest.

side note sorry for the ramblings im just heartbroken frustrated and need an outlet